Homelessness is a State of Mind

In 2011, I moved in with my boyfriend of four years in a town populated by 200 people. I came from New York City so the change was drastic to say the least. I still had hopes for a sweet romantic life in the country. So to start with I asked the boyfriend if we could stop smoking because it's cancerous. In response, he blew the smoke in my face. I should have known the move was a bad one, but I had no other option. The economy tanked so I was facing joblessness. Back at home, my father is a fanatic Republican who aims to make me miserable in god. I was aware of "Appearances"--creating a mirage/illusion of having it together. Why not? When life is or can be perpetually miserable...Nobody wants to hear about misery or that you don't have it together. Friends feel sorry for you but only briefly and rarely do they do a thing to lift a finger--they start to avoid you like the plague. As a woman, I can count on my good looks, available and unused womb to be a bait to men. But truth is, I had to find a good balance between being a hoe/"available" and respectable/"can keep it together". Your worth as a person is dependent on keeping it together. I think homelessness comes from having a terrible, unloving (bickering) and unsupportive family. You end up not making the best choices. But of course, I can't blame this all on family. Personality issues also factor in. Anyway, the boyfriend left me, abandoned me with his dog. I kept house for him. I couldn't just leave. I had to keep appearances, for my folks who I just left behind, who cursed me for leaving. Meanwhile, I schemed and reconnected with old friends and love interests. Upon the boyfriend's return, I was ready with my move. I returned to New York, where I had sketchy family support and a million and one potential boyfriends.